thoughts on jumping spiders

and what i want out of my life

4/2/2026

this afternoon, i was sitting at a table outside my favorite downtown bar. i'm not a big drinker, and we have a small downtown so the list is short but still! i was waiting for my friends, and this particular bar gets really crowded after about 5pm. so i got there early, saved us a table, and just kind of..looked around. i've been trying to be on my phone less, so i figured, hey lets watch the house sparrows fight or something. i looked down at the table and i saw a little tiny bug. i don't know much about bugs, but i know a bit so i just stared at him for a bit, trying to figure out what he was. he was a little tiny spider with fuzzy front legs and big round eyes.

i turned my head to try and get a better look at his face, and he turned towards me. and it was remarkable, he actually looked back. not just oriented toward me, like really honestly looked. it was amazing. the more cynical among you probably think im anthropomorphizing (which i am guilty of, sue me) but anyways. apparently he's a jumping spider! and they're known for this gazing into your soul, at least according to reddit. he also waved his little feet at me, which if you haven't seen, you must watch this video ¹ of another jumping spider species doing it, just great stuff. he hopped onto my phone and back a few times, and i was just so surprised by how fast he was! i named him moe. eventually he crawled deep into the table leg, i think he got too hot. but i hope hes ok.

here is moe. so handsome.

moe got me thinking about something else that's been kind of eating at me for a while, which is " what kind of career do i want?" or more importantly, "what kind of person do i want to be?" for a bit of context: im an environmental scientist by training. currently, im a physiologist, in name only. i call myself a fake physiologist because for me its all about birds. i love birds, physiology is cool, but its the birds that have really captured my heart. lately, i've been spending a lot of time indoors, or interacting with birds more for research than just for fun. and i hadn't realized just how much i missed being outside in nature, really being in it, until recently. when i was getting my undergrad degree, i waded through marshes, i caught crawfish, i hiked through the woods. i get to do field work now but it's all in service of the dissertation, hallowed be thy name. and i used to be more of a real environmentalist. i helped run a huge eco club in undergrad, i tabled about planting for pollinators, the whole nine yards. and now i spend a lot more time indoors.

it's been just long enough where i hadn't really noticed, but then my boyfriend and i went to this showing of local environmental films, and it all kind of fell on me at once. i thought to myself " what have i been doing with myself? where did this passion and fire for what really truly matters go?" and of course it didn't disappear, it just got drowned out by the day to day stress of life. but i dont want to be a fair-weather conservationist, i want to do the damn thing. and i dont mean quit my job, i really love the research i do. and i think it's very much possible to do my current work AND be the environmentalist i used to be. i feel about my research the way you feel about your home. it keeps you safe and comfortable, and you wouldn't want to be without it. but conservation is about the ground under your feet, the foundation the house rests on. without it, the house doesn't matter, the house is irrelevant. clunky metaphor maybe, but this is off the cuff no editing, so the house is what we got. this isn't meant to be depressing, i'm actually excited about rediscovering this old passion of mine. go outside, walk in the woods, and listen to the birds, it will make you feel better, i promise :^)

https://youtu.be/HPh_Gi7PCqs?si=0r3qY_cznejjYiDE